On the topic of Speak Your Truth

Speak Your Truth, what the f does that even mean? I feel I’ve always been pretty authentic and truthful but my whole life people have been telling me to stay in my box. Often, it’s me telling myself to stay in my box, especially after having a kiddo of my own and knowing myself well enough to know that I can be a smidge unpredictable and out there. Sometimes it’s best to be silent.

My mom is on her third marriage right now to a pretty good guy. The second one is the one I grew up with, the father of my sisters. Mom and him got married when I was 2 years old. He put on a good show most of the time but he hated me, or I was just an easy target for his rage.

It didn’t get super bad until talk of divorce began. They both worked at a local factory but were on different shifts so I think that made my mom more independent and he felt he was losing control of the whole family unit. Not really sure but I have never held it against her for deciding to leave. It got pretty intense though and it wasn’t an easy break. The psychological manipulation was so harsh that to this day I’m not even sure what the truth was. I don’t think my sisters remember much about that period of time at all. 

I know I was told I couldn’t say what I did to the school counselor because it got the state interested 🙄. Speak your truth but not all of the truth, that’s something I’ve come to learn is what a lot of people mean when they say that. 

I’ve been hit, thrown into walls and dragged by my hair more times than I could count but honestly, my story isn’t all that bad. I have a very high pain tolerance so that’s not even what really stuck with me. It’s the emotional shit – having to listen to hours and hours of lectures on one thing or another. The main takeaway being that what I feel, think and say have no meaning – I was wrong to feel, think or say it, even if I wasn’t the one feeling, thinking or saying it. Wrap your head around that one. Having to sit at a table for hours trying to stop crying when my tormentor is yelling at me to stop crying. Blah. I survived. Life continues on.

So yeah, the statement “Speak Your Truth” dredges up some pretty shitty memories. Flash forward a few years of my life and I found my voice. My stepdad and I used to get into such huge arguments, which mainly left me feeling pretty shitty in the end but at least I gave it a go. I’ve mostly forgiven him and gotten over it. Karma is kind of a bitch – he got in a bad car accident, almost died and messed his head up. He hasn’t been the same since. Don’t get me wrong – he can still go on and on about the most inane subjects and he has false memories, but he’s not mean like he used to be. 

Not long after I found my voice, I decided I didn’t need the shitty authority figures I had and I left. I spent some time in foster care but by the age of 14 I was either living with a friend, renting an apartment or crashing at my boyfriend’s house. There’s a whole lot more to all of that but this is enough for one journal entry I think 🤪. 

About 6 years ago I got involved with a local grassroots organization that was focused on health and wellness which is what really launched the consulting gig I had going. Up to that point I was just doing odd jobs for people while working on something else but the org was connected to a bigger nonprofit so I had to make the consulting more official. Now imagine me sitting in a group with all these beautiful, healthy, well rounded and smart people. No idea how that happened 🤣. I really do find myself in the strangest of places sometimes.

Is it imposter syndrome if you really are an imposter? 

What I can say truthfully is that I am happy, authentic and doing my best to be a semi-healthy and kind if dysfunctional member of the human race.

Thoughts on the statement “Speak Your Truth”, from an American Misfit, [she/her/hers/trying to be humanish, maybe]

Journal Entry for TTBH; Topic: Speak your truth, #7

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